I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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