Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
