mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
