I'm so fucking centered right now
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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