We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
