We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
