i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
