so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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