You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
