he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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