My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
