You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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