Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
