My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
