this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
