i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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