I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
