So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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