I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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