You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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