She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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