His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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