allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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