I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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