we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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