Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
