It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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