Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
