your room smells of hookers.
And success
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
