I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
