He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
