if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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