Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I love having hate sex.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
