I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
