Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
