my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
