i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
