She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
