I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
