Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
