you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
