I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
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This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
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Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok