I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.