How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
