Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
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you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
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I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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