my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
