I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
