You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
