I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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