Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
