I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize