one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
