Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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