In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
