So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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