Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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