at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
