Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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