Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
