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Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
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I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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