He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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